I don’t think anyone thinks that their body will “bounce back” immediately after giving birth, everyone knows it’ll take time and no one can know for sure quite how long. I knew my body would be different but I wasn’t prepared for the “when’s your due date” tgat followed weeks after I’d had Arthur. Nor was I ready for the reality that for at least a month later I still looked 6 month pregnant.
Trying to come to terms with your new identity as a mother while trying to settle into a body that doesn’t feel like yours is peculiar. My maternity clothes were too big but my regular jeans were too small. I was limited to a range of leggings and huge shirts, a far cry from what I’d consider my usual style. Once I could do them up it was like a weight had been lifted (yes quite literallt!) and I’d started to feel like myself again. Though I may have celebrated prematurely and had to spend a day out with my jeans undone).
Even when you’re entirely back to your old clothes your body isn’t the same. If my boobs aren’t bursting at the seams they’re hanging like spaniels ears, the skin on my stomach is so maleable and striped I could use it as wrapping paper. My hair has started turning white, and my Caesarian scar is definitely more of a lopsided grimace than the cutest smile scar usually shown. Truth is, I’ve probably never looked worse, but I’ve also truthfully never felt better.
I used to hate my body, and now it’s exactly the same as it was before just more scarred, stretched and tired. But to me now I can recognise it as a something more than just that. My worth can’t be tied to a size anymore (suppose it can but it’s size 3-6 months). A whole lot of miracles and chemicals and other sciencey things (sorry doctor friends) had to come together to form a whole other human being.
I promised a friend (hey Martin) that I wouldn’t lose my identity to motherhood or reform everything in my life to circulate around him. Oops, that’s exactly what I’ve done because Arthur is the best thing that could ever have happened to me.
So despite being exhausted, haggard and scarred I’m more accepting of my body exactly as it is, than I ever have been before. I’ve varied in size from 12-18 and during pregnancy I even hit a 20 but now, at an ever fluctuating size that means clothes never quite fit right I’m happy. Scars, hair loss, greying and all.
(Despite everything mentioned I will still gladly accept donations to a boob lift fund.)